TLDR: This is a collection of resources to help you find ways to feel safe within your body, mind, heart and spirit. I give my own context below. Feel free to skip it and read ahead to the resources themselves – I understand that time and space can be in erratic supply.
I was born into a time when everyone was told that this is how the world is – one must make do with their lot in life, unless they are able to climb the dream escalator of money-making. My parents got onto this escalator early on. They were educated as engineers at the peak of tech-colonialism, otherwise known as globalization in the late 1900s. They came from modest means, suffering through scarcity and survivalist modes, dreaming that when they had money, their children would receive a better lot in life.
I was born into financial security – not wealth, but the means to interact with resources that were available to the wealthy. I never had branded clothes, but my higher education was branded. Being a child of the fulfilled tech-dream showed me that the dream was hollow – somehow, the system had twisted the narrative to mean that safety and money are synonymous. I assure you that they are not. In the decades of my life that followed, I came to understand that money is not the only thing required to stroll into privilege – it is a highly gatekept world, with intersections of class, caste, colour, gender, sexuality, neurotype and so on. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact (and I still struggle with this) that insecurity is a systemic problem. That I am not the problem. That my inability to tap into the resources of the rarified air of privilege is not my fault. As things are now, it is meant to be difficult. As things are now, I still choose not to give up.
If you read my work, you will know that most of my articles tend to be catharsis pieces calling out the various systems at play, and offering suggestions for what could be instead. This piece is not like that, exactly. Yes, there are systems that create inequalities – but it is so visible to this generation of life on earth that manmade systems are crumbling. This is our chance to disrupt and play, to find ways the question that first axiom that was told to us repeatedly – to say it in typical Indian English – It’s like this only (things are how they are. Just deal with it.)
Well, here’s what I have been up to while the world crumbles around me – I have been experimenting with ways to source and generate safety that can help and hold us through the uncertainty. Safety that relies heavily on internal and community resilience. That is to say – I work on ways to share that can help us feel safe in our own bodies, minds, hearts and spirits. It is a dance between individual and community to uphold this safety, and it is the individual aspects I will share in this article. To know more about my work around community, you can have a look at my ‘Circles of Diversity’ Initiative.
Here I’d like to share with you a few tried and tested techniques that I have personally used across decades to deal with depression, anxiety, pandemic, abuse and other life-altering brutalities. Please receive them not as textbook solutions, but as interchangeable offerings that you can intuitively receive and use as resources in your daily situations. There are so many more pathways than those that I outline here, and I would love love love it if you would comment below with your own resources and techniques so that even this individual work towards safety becomes a community process.
For the body –
We are, above all else, embodied beings. I cannot emphasize enough how much feeling good in your body can help alleviate stress in other areas. It’s called the bottom-up approach in therapeutic circles. Here are a few techniques –
5-4-3-2-1
To return to the body, activate the senses. Take a deep breathe, and find around you –
5 things you can see
4 things you can hear
3 things you can touch (go ahead and touch them)
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
You can try this technique anywhere, especially if you are feeling stressed. It will bring you right back to where you are – in the here and now, capable of taking the next step!
Use a stimming device
Stimming – generating stimulation, means finding a way to ground your excess energy when you are feeling anxious. You can carry a small object in your hand and play with it. I promise it doesn’t take the focus away from what you’re doing. If anything, it sharpens your focus on the conversation or task ahead of you. The object could be anything – fidget spinners are available these days, or you could use play doh, clay, a squeezy ball. I just use small crystals – colourful pebbles that improve my mood and let me squeeze or fidget as I need. It might be a fun exercise to try a few things and see what works for you – let me know what you find!
Bilateral stimulation
I received this technique from Jova Fererra of the Artidote. Simply put, it is a way to shift the pattern or loop that your brain may be stuck in at a moment and do something with your body to activate both the left and the right hemispheres of the brain.
Hold an object, it could be your stimming device, at the center of your chest with both hands.
Now, in smooth motions, carry it in your right hand and stretch it out.
Then bring the object back to the center near your chest.
Switch hands and carry it all the way to your left with your left hand.
Repeat while breathing deeply so that you’re moving your object from one side of your body to the other, effectively activating both sides of your brain.
You could also clap your hands at the center if you don’t have an object to play with. The core of the exercise is the movement between both hands. There are many exercises devised for a similar intervention. For example, the butterfly hug from the resilience toolkit works on a similar principle.
For the mind –
My mind often finds itself overthinking across familiar thought loops and patterns. An important exercise for developing safety is to identify, disrupt and rewrite these patterns so that they become healthier narratives. Some exercises for this are –
Engage the mind in something that takes your attention and focus
A simple thing that works really well for me is solving a sudoku puzzle. For you, this could look like a crossword, word-finder, scrabble or any other online game. The sense of completing a puzzle also gives my mind a boost when I’m feeling down. Just make sure that the resource you’re using is finite and it doesn’t become a crutch for avoidance (though I would argue that sometimes that is exactly what we need! Be the judge of your own situation and context).
I also use this technique in the reverse to glean how I’m feeling, because sometimes thought loops can catch us unawares. Going back to a consistent mind-engager can help you assess whether you are present or caught in mind-traps at the moment – and you can plan your next moments accordingly!
Self-talk for your parts
Arguably, we are all multiple people living inside one body. There are child parts that are stuck at moments of trauma, teenage parts that might often be trying to protect us, adult parts that reason with us, and so many other voices. There may be voices of emotions – fear, anxiety, excitement, joy, and voices of people – our parents, friends, teachers or colleagues. Learn to identify different voices that speak within you, and then speak to them!
This might sound silly at first but give it a try – after the initial resistance you might find so much relief when your parts are finally heard for the first time! You can slowly learn to talk to each of them, learn what they want, and request that they replace some toxic behaviours with more compassionate ones. Like all good things, this can take time!
To know more about this, try reading No bad parts by Richard Schwartz
Read or watch content that feels safe and familiar
I used to judge myself for ‘wasting’ my time reading light fiction, watching familiar movies or series online, or just blindly scrolling down instagram. My therapist introduced me to the term cyberloafing – a legitimate way for the mind to shut down and relax to the white noise of something familiar but unimportant. As with most things, this behaviour is a way for our minds to protect us and find rest in this world of hustling.
I acknowledge that these resources may not be available to everyone, so please read this in your own context. Find familiar activities that let your brain rest. My only recommendation after years of this practice is to try to ensure that the content you consume isn’t toxic in a way that harms you. This might just backfire by activating judgmental thought loops.
For the heart –
One of the hardest things I have worked with have been my emotions. It took me a long time to allow myself to feel things and not just repress them as unimportant. In fact, emotions can help regulate us beautifully and here are some tools you can use to connect with your emotions –
Art
Whether it’s singing, dancing, writing, painting, craft, cooking or any other creative form, art is an incredible way to connect with your emotions. Make time to express yourself through your favourite art form. Take classes for fun, or sing by yourself in the shower. Just make sure (and I say this from experience) to keep it casual without turning it into an occupation or obligation. The freedom in creating art will open a much-needed space for your emotions to flow.
Check-in regularly with loved ones
Co-regulate with beloved community by setting aside intentional time to talk about the various aspects of your life with each other. It can be a playful free time, or it can be a structured conversation about different realms of life like work, exercise, spirituality, romance, adventures, play, self-care, friendships (these categories come from the Artist’s Way). Make your process your own, as long as it helps you find your heart and share it with trusted loved ones.
Body scan
This can be a great way to reach your emotions when the mind is overwhelmed. Take a few deep breaths and relax your body. Starting from the crown of your head, name each body part and pay attention to it. Lightly scan lower, paying attention to your forehead, eyes, nose, ears, mouth, jaw, throat and so on until you reach your toes. If anything feels heavy, spend some time breathing into that area. It is possible you might encounter an emotion like grief, sadness, frustration or anxiety. If it tells you a story – just let go of the story and feel into the emotion instead, imagining its colour, texture, temperature, size. Allow it to shift under your attention, and slowly relax. Remember, emotions want to be felt.
The only caveat here is to try this technique in small ways first. I am not a professional therapist and talking from lived experience. For levels of pain that are unmanageable, I would recommend seeking professional support before trying this technique on your own. Remember, the goal is to feel better, not conquer all pain forever.
For the spirit –
Sometimes, what ails us can be a deep disconnect with our own spirit, leading to despair, hopelessness and a greyscale perspective. To infuse life with colour again, try some of these –
Ceremony
See if you can integrate a regular ceremony to commune with spirit as part of your life practice. This can be aligned with your faith, or it can be a secular exploration of interbeing in nature. An example from my own life is the fire ceremony.
Every full moon, I practice lighting a fire from wood that I collect myself. I may sing, pray and/or burn intentions and notes during the ceremony. Sometimes the ceremony just asks for silence. There is permission for whatever wants to arise in the sacred connection with the element of fire acknowledging the cycles of cosmos.
What would your version of a ceremony look like? Would you like to connect to an element? A community? Would you like to sing, dance, meditate?
Time in Nature
I cannot articulate enough how many times nature has literally saved my life. As modern humans, we are increasingly living in a disconnected world and we forget that we are, at the end of the day, nature.
Find time to take a walk, to watch birds, forage plants to supplement your meals, learn about mushrooms, identify the various species that inhabit your environment. No matter where you live – I promise you there are more beings quietly living their life around you than you can know. Did you know there are over 10,000 species of ants?
Learn about and engage with your nature family to find soul-healing presence that fills the existential void.
Find presence
I hesitate to name meditation because of so many layers of context that the term is laden with, but if you have a meditation practice that can be a great way to find presence. Find a few minutes everyday, or a few times every day, to breathe. To sit and do nothing. To hum. To stop hold yourself together and just let go for a few moments, trusting that you will be safe in that brief period of vulnerability.
This can be hard to do sometimes. That’s okay. Just start where you are, even if it’s only for a few seconds, and keep going. Do it consistently until you can grow your capacity to be present – it’s a skill like any other. It deepens with practice.
These ways are but a few of the many, many ways to design safety into our lives. By creating our own combinations of these techniques, we can find ways to empower ourselves when safety may not be easily available externally. Note that life is organic, and you will undoubtedly spiral through different techniques at different times, including times when nothing works. It is all okay. Just keep going and life will find a way again. And again. And again.
These interventions may look small, but it is like the chaos theory says – the flapping wings of a small butterfly can create a hurricane. May we flap our wings together, believing that we deserve a slower, more interconnected world. May we find safety within ourselves again and again, and may we offer it to others when we can.
I repeat, this is in no way a comprehensive article. Please share your own devices for safety in the comments. Please be careful while using these techniques and seek professional support as and when required. May these words spark a curiosity in you for your own paths towards safety.
Be safe. Be kind. Be loved.